There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
