I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
