I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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