I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
