i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
