I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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