I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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