You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
