Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
