i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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