I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize