I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
