I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The Olympian is in my bed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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