8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize