Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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