Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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