My room smells like vodka and shame
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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