do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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