He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
