i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
