He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
