she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
