I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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