Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
