So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
