This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We are all done wearing pants today
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
