Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
