So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
