I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just had sex bonerless
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We got so high we made milksteak
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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