My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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