My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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