I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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