we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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