I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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