Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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