I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
