I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
