Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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