That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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