I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
