Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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