I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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