All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
