Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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