it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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