I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
