got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize