Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
