The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize