is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
