I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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