I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
