Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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