Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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