When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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