My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
