Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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