how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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