our cab driver is having phone sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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